Shorter Phyllis Schlafly:  "Men who beat up their wives shouldn’t be put in jail, because then they won’t be able to take care of their wives like God intended."

Shorter Marie Jon:  "The mere presence of brown-skinned people hurts me emotionally."

Shorter Nathan Tabor: "I’m going to take a bold stand here, and urge that we not vote for Bill Clinton as our next president."

Shorter Felicia Benamon: "I don’t know how to solve the illegal immigration problem, but it’s not difficult."

Shorter Bret Prelusky: "Don’t call me racist just because I think Bill Clinton is sexually promiscuous like all black people."