Kaye Grogan’s latest editorial on America’s "official" language is a hoot.  Because Kaye struggles so much with English, it is ripe for parody.

But Sadly, No beat me to it:

Speak English . . . or else!

Kaye Grogan
May 20, 2006

Okay it’s official — I hope! It has taken 200 plus years for English to become America’s official language. Maybe we missed something here. Did another boat come in behind the Mayflower with people speaking in unknown tongues?

Say, wasn’t America "discovered" by a Spanish-speaker long before the pilgrims came over?

If the current language dispute wasn’t so serious, it would be right up there with "Comedy Central" for being funny. Wow! . . .out of 300 million people in the United States of America — there are around 215 million who speak English. Well, shut your mouth!

But I’m talkin’ ’bout Shaft!

Since when does a nation who taught their children to speak English fluently need to verify and have a vote in the Senate to make the language official? Only in America! . . .can these bizarre things keep happening.

If English is the official language of the United States, then someone really ought to warn Kaye. I’m worried that people will think she’s some kind of commie subversive if they hear her speaking in Groganese.

According to some of the suggestions being proposed by our illustrious government — all illegal immigrants if they want to become legal citizens they are going to have to learn English, and forget about singing the National Anthem in Spanish. In other words, learn English or else! . . .or else what? I guess everyone not learning to speak English in a certain length of time will be sent to the back of the class. Then what? Heaven knows — deportation is out of the question!

No kidding. Otherwise, Kaye would be deported back to Groganstan.

We have 100 United States Senators speaking English as they are passing laws (mostly bad laws) in America, while supposedly representing Americans. And yet it’s racist to expect English to be the national language? For heaven’s sake! . . . what’s next? On second thought — forget I asked!

I was going to count all the punctuation errors in this piece, but I’ve had to stop because I have no idea what number comes after 999 katrillion gajillion.

Hey! . . .you’re either for the American culture or you’re against it. You’re either an American in every true sense of the word or somewhere in-between — which translates into troublemakers.

I.e., shifty dark-skinned people.

And if you’re going to be a United States Senator, House Representative or President of the United States — you should put the needs of the American citizens first. You can’t straddle the fence on these issues, and expect the majority to keep electing you to serve them.

And that’s just my opinion!

My new pet cause is getting Kaye Grogan deported until she learns English.