The thing I love about reading conservative columnist Kaye Grogan is that you can just tell that’s she’s sitting there with glass of bourbon at her computer-side, as she rambles on about, well — you’re never really sure.

Last week’s column was a diatribe about money raised in presidential elections.  We’ll join her somewhere in the middle (her second drink, I’m guessing):

According to insider reports coming over from the Hillary Clinton campaign headquarters, she has broken all records by amassing around $26 million in just a short period of time. Wee doggies! …now that’s impressive!

"Wee doggies"?  Okay, she’s probably on her third drink at this point.

Okay, now that we have that out-of-the-way and since Ms. Clinton is not likely to be the next or even the first woman president in our lifetime, who is going to profit from the mega millions?

Is it possible to be the "next" woman president without being the "first", Kaye?

Forget I asked, because if you ever get a straight answer from a Clinton — you deserve a place in the Guinness Book of World Records!

I don’t know what that means either.  She’s on her fourth drink now, I’m guessing.

One thing is for sure: Hillary’s back is covered by former Vice-presidential wannabe Geraldine Ferraro. Enough said!

I don’t know what that means either.  Are Hillary and Geraldine both on a SWAT team now?

I’ll leave the obvious to your own discretion to interpret what this bold assertion and pledge from Ms. Ferraro means.

What bold assertion?  What the hell are you talking about, Kaye? Kaye’s drinking straight from the bottle now.

But I would be amiss if I didn’t mention that Ferraro is going to do battle with every Republican who may have a few "dirty tricks" up their sleeve. Way to go Ferraro! … come out with your boxing gloves on, and give em’ the old one-two punch upside the head!

Riiiiiight. 

And while you, Billie Jean King, Madeline Albright, (NOW) National Organization for Women and many others are championing Hillary’s presidential run — sink the Swift Boat cantankerous crew before they can readdress and point out just how incompetent the Clinton administration played out during the eight-year tenure when those two occupied the White House.

I recognize the individual words as English.  And I get the gist of phrases.  But I still don’t know what it means (and I had to read it several times).  Apparently, it is incumbant upon former tennis stars to attack people who attack the Clinton administration.  I guess.

I bet the stacks of "dirty laundry" in written form —

My head just exploded.  WHAT?!?  Stacks of dirty laundry in written form?  I’m trying to visualize the metaphor…. stacks of "dirty laundry", I get.  "In written form", I get.  But laundry in written form?  What the fuck does that mean?  Maybe if I read the entire sentence in context….

I bet the stacks of "dirty laundry" in written form — would circle around the world and back, several times, Miss Hillary has amassed on her nearest competitors if reports denoting this activity is accurate.

Alcohol poisoning.  Kaye’s got alcohol poisoning now.

Let’s call it "Who’s who" in the dirty politics department — minus Bill and Hillary. A tell-all threat if you will — that should narrow the field quite a bit.

Let’s call the stacks of dirty laundry in written form the who’s who in the dirty politics department minus Bill and Hillary.

Oh, yes.  Let’s.

Kaye has become the pundit equivalent of the drunk at the end of the bar.  I’d love to disagree with her, but I just don’t know what she’s saying.

No matter.  Let’s just let her ramble and see if she goes away.

If a candidate or incumbent can’t convince the voters their previous record deserves praise and merit — the next best thing is to encourage dirt-diggers to eliminate the competition by intimidating and threatening complete exposure about all pesky political enemies.

Oh, those old dastardly deeds!

(Hmm . . . speaking of exposure: it’s going to be interesting when the records of the "D. C. Madame" in Washington, is dusted off and becomes public knowledge. According to Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s lawyer, the high-profile records are going to be released soon to a big news organization).

Hopefully, they’ll pass right on by the National Enquirer.

Nope.  She’s still rambling.

And not to be outdone in the warfare to amass the most impressive campaign contributions, Senator Barack Obama has surpassed Clinton at least in the primary calculations for political donations. Mitt Romney seeking the Republican nomination nod has raised around $23 million. Again, I’m impressed!

Is this a presidential election or a contentious race to see who can raise the most money?

Now if you add up all of the campaign contributions generated from the populace on both sides of the political spectrum — heck, they should be able to buy whatever they want!

Some has taken her car keys, right?

Isn’t it amazing how many people love to pay taxes up to their ears, and can still find money to give to a good cause?

Ah yes . . . politics is so . . . rewarding.

And that’s just my opinion!

Upon which, Kaye’s head hits the tabletop with a thud, and little specks of vomit drip from the corner of her mouth.