The full transcript is available here:

• Now, let’s face it, being president does age you. I mean, look at me. … You start getting crankier as you get older. Next week, I’m signing an executive order to get off my lawn.
• It is amazing, though, how time flies. Just a few years ago, I could never imagine ever being in my 50s. And when it comes to my approval ratings, I still can’t.
• Think about how things have changed since 2008. Back then, I was the young, tech-savvy candidate of the future. Now I’m yesterday’s news and Hillary has got a server in her house. I didn’t even know you could have one of those in your house. I am so far behind. Did you know that? I would have gotten one.
• Despite a great performance tonight, Scott has had a few recent stumbles. The other week he said he didn’t know whether or not I was a Christian. And I was taken aback, but fortunately my faith teaches us forgiveness. So, Governor Walker, as-salamu alaykum.
• We also have Dr. Ben Carson. He wants to make it clear that being here was a choice. The fact is, doctor, embracing homosexuality is not something you do because you go to prison. It’s something you do because your vice president can’t keep a secret on Meet the Press.
• This new Congress is just getting started, which is why I want to acknowledge the leader of the House Republicans—as soon as I figure out who that is.
• I got flak for appearing on a video for BuzzFeed, trying to reach younger voters. What nonsense. You know, you don’t diminish your office by taking a selfie. You do it by sending a poorly written letter to Iran. Really, that wasn’t a joke.