Shorter Mike Gallagher: I’m not going spend an entire column capitalizing on the Virginia Tech murders.  Instead, I’m going to write about me and my thoughts (about the Virginia Tech murders).

Shorter Phil Harris: If fetuses had laptops and email accounts, here’s what they would say.

Shorter John Hawkins:  I’ve figured it out, everybody — Cho Seung-Hui was baaaad.

Shorter Chuck Colson: I’ve figured it out, everybody — Cho Seung-Hui was baaaad.

Shorter Jerry Bowyer:  I’ve figured it out, everybody — Cho Seung-Hui hated McDonald’s.

Shorter Paul Greenberg:  A guy I know — I won’t say who — likes baseball.

Shorter Paul Greenberg:  Okay, it’s me.  I like baseball.

Shorter Bert Prelutsky:  Look, all he did was call them "nappy-headed ho’s".  He’s not Hitler for Chrissakes!

Shorter Lorie Byrd:  The Virginia Tech murders?  That’s freedom at work, baby!

Shorter Kathleen Parker:  My anti-abortion rhetoric is better than your pro-choice rhetoric.

Shorter Oliver North:  Virginia Tech, Iran, same diff….

Shorter David "Not My Brother" Limbaugh:  Women like Justice Ginsberg — who refuse to bow to the patriarchy and who believe woman should control their lives — are just being inflexible.

Shorter Charles Krauthammer: People should use the Virginia Tech killings to advance their own political ideology (P.S.  Ignore what I said two days ago)