Shorter Felilcia Benjamin: "Women who bear children out of wedlock are dishonoring the generations of soldiers who died on the battlefield preserving womens’ right to marry. Also, immigrants suck."
Shorter Lisa Fabrizio: "I found God at a dude ranch."
Shorter Chuck Colson: "We Christians are more compassionate than non-Christians and fuck anybody who says otherwise."
Shorter Cal Thomas: "The 2006 elections which ousted the GOP stranglehold on Congress was a message that people wanted Democrats to reform."
Shorter Matt Towery: "If Martin Luther King were alive today, he’d unload a can of whip-ass on Jesse Jackson."
Shorter Robert Novak: "This graphic of a pig has nothing to do with what I’m writing about."
Shorter Debra Saunders: "Dictators all over the world will now stop their tyranny, after seeing what happened to Saddam."
Shorter George Will: "Bring back forced child labor, too"
Shorter Marvin Olasky: "If you don’t unconditionally accept my Christian view of the world, how can you call yourself a ‘multi-culturalist’?"
Shorter Suzanne Fields: "I think they should just keep on making ‘Charlotte’s Web’ over and over and over again, and nothing else."
Shorter Ann Coulter: "Gerold Ford and Saddam Hussein both died this week, proving once again that liberals hate America. Allow me to explain…"
By the way, remember that 9/11 thing? Sorry, my bad.