Shorter Felilcia Benjamin: "Women who bear children out of wedlock are dishonoring the generations of soldiers who died on the battlefield preserving womens’ right to marry.  Also, immigrants suck."

Shorter Lisa Fabrizio: "I found God at a dude ranch."

Shorter Chuck Colson: "We Christians are more compassionate than non-Christians and fuck anybody who says otherwise."

Shorter Cal Thomas: "The 2006 elections which ousted the GOP stranglehold on Congress was a message that people wanted Democrats to reform."

Shorter Matt Towery: "If Martin Luther King were alive today, he’d unload a can of whip-ass on Jesse Jackson."

Shorter Robert Novak: "This graphic of a pig has nothing to do with what I’m writing about."

Shorter Debra Saunders: "Dictators all over the world will now stop their tyranny, after seeing what happened to Saddam."

Shorter George Will:  "Bring back forced child labor, too"

Shorter Marvin Olasky: "If you don’t unconditionally accept my Christian view of the world, how can you call yourself a ‘multi-culturalist’?"

Shorter Suzanne Fields: "I think they should just keep on making ‘Charlotte’s Web’ over and over and over again, and nothing else."

Shorter Ann Coulter: "Gerold Ford and Saddam Hussein both died this week, proving once again that liberals hate America.  Allow me to explain…"

By the way, remember that 9/11 thing?  Sorry, my bad.