Shorter Mary Katherine Ham: "Moral clarity", by definition, means that we presume that the Duke lacrosse players accused of rape are innocent until proven guilty, and accused Muslim terrorists are just plain guilty.

Shorter Jeff Emanuel: A judge did something I didn’t like; therefore, he is a judicial activist.

Shorter Walter E. Williams:  Enforcement of seatbelt laws is socialism.  Yeah, you heard me.  Socialism!

Shorter Chuck Colson: So it turns out that Terri Schiavo was brain-dead after all, which means Michael Schiavo was right.  But that doesn’t mean people who said she was still functional were wrong to send him death threats.

Shorter Michelle Malkin:  Let me debunk a "cause celebre" that nobody ever heard of.

Shorter John Stossel: A good samaritan who tried to provide needed supplies to Katrina victims reminds me a lot of big oil companies.  They’re good guys, and I’m not just saying that because I went to a huge oil lobbyist party last night.

Shorter Brent Bozell:  The Dixie Chicks are only pretending to hate George Bush, because they know it will get them on the cover of Time.

Shorter Terence Jeffrey:  It’s not racist to pass an amendment demanding English as the official language.  After all, Martin Luther King spoke English, right?  Right?!?

Shorter Tony Blankley:  I got nothing of substance to say about Mexican President Vincente Fox’s trade mission to Utah, but if I make popular culture references — like "iPod" and "American Idol" — you might actually read this.

Shorter Linda Chavez: The whole point of graduation ceremonies is to pay tribute to guest speakers like John McCain, and not the graduating students.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg:  How can people blame George Bush for the poor federal response to Katrina?  He wasn’t even there, for crying out loud!

Shorter Ben Shapiro:  Recent polls uniformly agree that Americans prefer Democrats over Republicans.  Which is undoubtedly true.  And that’s why most Americans will vote Republican.

Shorter Maggie Gallagher:  The only way for states to pass amendments banning gay marriage is for the federal goverment to shove it down their throats, as any conservative will tell you.