Shorter Bret Prelusky:  Let’s be more adult about sex so the French can’t mock us.

Shorter Dennis Prager: A war by any other name would be as sweet.

Shorter Jennifer Morse:  Wives need to "put out" more.

Shorter Jay Homnick:  When Clinton took sodas out of schools, he took my raison d’etre away.

Shorter Rebecca Hagelin:  Anecdotal evidence that I heard about proves that we’re all going to hell in a handbasket.

Shorter Phyllis Schlafly:  The outcome of presidential elections should be determined by the Supreme Court, not by the Electoral College.

Shorter Cal Thomas:  Zacarias Moussaoui thinks America is morally squishy.  So we should kill him.