Yes, we read "Renew America" columnists so you don’t have to…

Shorter Melanie Mills: "A friend and me — we, like, went to this abortion clinic, right?  And we saw some really bad fashion."

Shorter Lisa Fabrizio:  "Hey, if I could wallow around in a trough of the dust and ash from Ground Zero, I’d do that, too."

Shorter Matt Abbott:  "I got an email from someone whose spouse knows someone close to some members of Katie Holmes’ family, and apparently, they don’t like Tom Cruise much.  Yes, I’m a journalist."

Shorter Mary Mostert:  "Car bombs, schmar bombs!"

Shorter Carey Roberts:  "All women are feminists, which is why Katie Couric shouldn’t be anchor at CBS News."

Shorter Jim Kouri:  "The DHS Review Board recently reviewed the ASI program and found, among other things, that it was aligned with the department’s enterprise architecture.  That, and I carry a gun, so don’t mess with me."

RELATED:  Agitprop caught this mind-boggling quote from social conservative wingnut Caitlin Flanagan:

"There is no room in the Democratic party for people who are opposed to gay marriage, but there is room in the Republican party for people who are for gay marriage, and this is the reason we’re in Iraq."

Excuse me while my head explodes.