I love it when things are explained to me like I’m a six-year-old.
(I’m serious. I actually understand things now)
Licking People
If you open up this month’s People magazine, you’ll find an ad for Welch’s grape juice. Within the ad, there is a strip. You are asked to peel it away and lick what’s underneath.
Like the scratch-n-sniffs in their heyday, you’re going to be seeing a lot of the peel-n-licks, thanks to new technology, according to this Wall Street Journal article.
So if you are in the airport and see someone licking a Computer Shopper magazine, he’s not weird. He’s just sampling.
NOTE: It doesn’t work with Internet ads. I tried.
A Major Victory For The Cause Of Freedom And Democracy
Deep in the heart of Texas, and just in time for Valentine’s, a court overturns the ban on sex toys:
A federal appeals court has struck down a Texas law that makes it a crime to promote or sell sex toys.
"Whatever one might think or believe about the use of these devices," said an opinion written by Justice Thomas M. Reavley of the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, "government interference with their personal and private use violates the Constitution."
Under Texas law it is illegal to sell, advertise, give or lend obscene devices, defined as a device used primarily for sexual stimulation. Anyone in possession of six or more sexual devices is considered to be promoting them.
The Texas law dates back to the 1970s and is seldom enforced. Travis County prosecutors say that they haven’t charged anyone with a sexual device-related crime in at least the past seven years, and probably much longer.
In 2003, a woman in the Fort Worth suburb of Burleson drew nationwide attention when she was arrested for selling erotic toys at a Tupperware-type party. The charges against Joanne Webb were later dropped.
In addition to Texas, whose law has survived previous state court challenges, three other states have a similar sex toys statute: Mississippi, Alabama and Virginia. Laws in Louisiana, Kansas, Colorado and Georgia have been thrown out by courts in recent years.
The 2-1 opinion by a panel of the 5th Circuit was based heavily on the U.S. Supreme Court’s 2003 decision in Lawrence and Garner v. Texas, which struck down a Texas law prohibiting private consensual sex among people of the same sex.
That case established a broad constitutional right to sexual privacy
Tomorrow Is Bitterest Day
World O’ Crap explains the concept:
So, since people who need people are the luckiest people in the world, we think that it’s only right that the 22% of the populace who are not in a relationship get a holiday of their own. Thus, for everyone who won’t be getting flowers, a diamond, or dinner and an amateur strip show this Valentine’s Day, we would like to propose a special day, just for us. We call it Bitterest Day.
Bitterest Day, celebrated on the 15th of February, will be the official anti-romance holiday. It will be a legal holiday, involving time off work with full pay, but only for those who are nobody because nobody loves them. Its motto will be, “I am not appealing to the opposite sex, so I have lots of disposable income to spend on consumer goods.”
Let us now explain some of the customs and traditions of this newest American holiday:
Cards
We all know that an integral part of Valentine’s Day is those frilly, mushy, overpriced bits of cardboard which all spouses and sweethearts are required to buy, under penalty of a booty moratorium. Bitterest Day also has its cards, but you don’t send them to that Special Someone. No, you send them to one member of that Special Twosome. Indeed, you choose the cutest, sweetest, ickiest couples you can think of, and “Care enough to send the very worst.” And although you may address the card to Marsha, your intended audiences is John (or vice versa). After all, they do share everything, right?
***
Food
While lovers get 5-pound boxes of chocolates and expensive candlelit dinners at French restaurants, what do we, the non-adored get? Well, we also get expensive dinners at French restaurants. This is how it works. You call up “Danny,” your ex-boyfriend, and you tell him that you read in Ann Landers that it’s “Reconciliation Day” today, and you want to invite him to sup at Chez l’Imbecile to demonstrate that you’ve “gotten beyond” everything. Mention that you also want to invite Klamidia, the stewardess he dumped you for, since you know she must be a special lady.
When they arrive, tell them that this is a special occasion, and urge them to order the most expensive things on the menu—you do the same. During dinner, offer small talk such as, “I’m so happy to see that the two of you are still together. It’s rare to see somebody forgive the person who gave them . . .oh, but I shouldn’t be talking about periodic discharge at the dinner table!” And, “Danny, I have such special memories of our time together–I think of them whenever I watch the videos. Hey, have you heard about those websites where they pay for amateur bedroom tapes? Kind of intriguing, huh?”
Then, while they are enjoying dessert, get up to “powder your nose.” Keep on walking right out of the restaurant, leaving the check for them. Worried about repercussions? On Bitterest Day, there are none. It’s the law.
****Bitterest Day Holiday Specials
Let’s face it; we all lead rushed, harried lives that leave little time for the simple joys of an old-fashioned holiday celebration. That’s where the media comes in, since it often takes a showing of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” or “Frosty the Snowman” before we can begin to feel the Christmas spirit. So it is with Bitterest Day.Of course, in our version of the typical Rankin-Bass animated special, Frosty has nerve-endings, and he screams as he melts. Screams quite a lot, actually, until the children who pranced so gaily around him are left pale and shaken, and his last, whispered words, “I’ll be BACK again, someday…!” haunts the dreams of all who witnessed his hideous demise.
For the adults, meanwhile, there’s that Bitterest Day perennial, “The Bishop’s Wife,” in which an angel is sent to Earth to restore a churchman’s wavering faith, and help him to erect a cathedral. In short order, the angel cuckolds the hapless cleric, then hatches a ghost payrolling scheme with the mobbed-up local union boss to funnel the construction funds to an offshore account, leaving the Bishop behind to face charges of peculation while the angel and the Bishop’s wife enjoy an extradition-free life on Grand Cayman.
So, in conclusion, we urge you to open your heart to Bitterest Day, the one day a year in which it’s okay to be an old maid living with nine cats, or a quiet loner with a large collection of guns and porn. For the most important part of Bitterest Day is feeling good about yourself as a person in your own right, and realizing that you don’t have to be part of a couple in order to be okay. Plus, on Bitterest Day, you don’t have to wear anything that makes you look like a prostitute Care Bear, and can wander around your dusty house in the tattered remains of a wedding dress without enduring any snide references to “Great Expectations.” So get on the phone to Merlin Olson today, and say it with Bitterness.
I’m not bitter this year at all, but I thought this was funny.
RELATED: Valentine’s Day: Holiday From Hell. A snippet:
Breaking a date on Valentine’s Day is definitely bad form, but automatically expecting one to happen (a much more common scenario) is also problematic. To avoid a disconnect with your significant other, McGuire suggests being honest. Simply expecting your partner to know what you want is unrealistic.
Who Is Winning?
It’s really interesting not paying attention to the political news for several days, and then paying attention.
When I last looked, sometime late last week, the Hillary juggernaut was in full steam. The uphill climb was Obama’s to make.
But he killed in the primaries over the weekend, and killed in the Potomac primaries. Hillary sacked her campaign manager. A deputy Clinton campaign manager resigned. Senior staffers fled.
And the whole Obama steamroller is so forceful that I’m even reading a lot of sighs about the possibility of a brokered convention, etc.
And then there’s this:
That’s pretty amazing.
Clinton is resting her campaign future on the Ohio and Texas primaries, which are on March 4. A full three weeks away. Right now, she’s in a good position in both the states. But Obamamania is in full swing. Of course, that means an Obama backlash is right around the corner.
For reasons that I’ve stated before, Obama would be a much better candidate against McCain. He embodies change in ways that Hillary (oh God, another Clinton) can’t. He’s 100 times more dynamic than McCain, who is 142 years old.
So all this is good news. I note that the Obama campaign is now spinning the words "inevitability". He’s got reason to be confident, but "inevitable"? Nope. Not yet.
Is It Officially Too Sad To Make Fun Of Britney Spears?
From Playbill:
A lyric has been changed in the Broadway, London, Las Vegas and touring productions of the Tony-winning musical Monty Python’s Spamalot.
The Associated Press reports that a reference to the much-in-the-news Britney Spears has been removed from the song "Diva’s Lament," which is performed by the Lady of the Lake.
About the change, Spamalot co-creator Eric Idle had this to say to AP via e-mail: "Because we don’t laugh at sad people. Mike Nichols (the show’s director) requested it and he’s right. We changed the lyrics in London, on tour, on Broadway and in Las Vegas. We think that it’s now too sad. Britney Spears is being tortured to death and we don’t want to be on that side."
The original lyric stated: "I am sick of my career/ Always stuck in second gear/ Up to here with frustration and with fears/ I’ve no Grammy no rewards/ I’ve no Tony Awards/ I’m constantly replaced by Britney Spears/ Britney Spears!" The revised lyric follows: "My love life is a mess/ I’ve got constant PMS/ My career is about as hot as ice/ They hate me there backstage/ They say I’m too old for my age/ They’re trying to replace me with Posh Spice/ With Posh Spice!"
Heather asks "is it now officially too sad to make fun of Brittney Spears?"
Well, first of all, let me say that the newer lyrics are better in my opinion.
Secondly, and speaking as no stranger to making fun of Britney Spears, I think it’s kind of nice that we, as a society, lay off a little. Nobody enjoys razzing pop culture more than me, especially when the object truly invites it, but I think in Britney’s case, there may be some real issues there. As grownups ay, "It’s always funny until someone gets hurt".
Sunday Night Propaganda
"What You Should Know About Biological Warfare"
Tattoos: The Vaccination Of The Future
At the moment, I am sporting two tattoos. This is on my right bicep:
…and this is on my left bicep:
They’re just temporary tattoos that I am wearing for a play ("The Foreigner") this weekend at the Little Theatre of Winston-Salem. (I’d urge y’all to come, but we’re practically sold out).
Anyway, the prominence of these rather un-me like symbols on my arm has given rise to a number of discussions about tattoos, and specifically, whether I would ever get permanent ones.
The answer is no, mainly because I can’t think of any symbols or words so endearing to me that I can say, without reservation, that I would still want them 40 years from now.
I mean, sure, forty years from now I’ll still be Libra. But I don’t care enough about being a Libra now to get some scale etched onto my butt (or whereever).
All this is a rather roundabout segue to the new use for tattoos, and a practical medical one:
The tattoo of the future may be good for your health rather than just your image.
German scientists said on Thursday that work on mice showed that tattooing was a more effective way to deliver a new generation of experimental DNA vaccines than standard injections into muscle.
Using fragments of DNA to stimulate an immune response is seen as a promising way of making better vaccines for everything from flu to cancer. Until now, however, the concept has been hampered by its low efficiency.
"Delivery of DNA via tattooing could be a way for a more widespread commercial application of DNA vaccines," said Martin Mueller of the German Cancer Research Centre in Heidelberg.
Sadly, the "tattooing" referred to by these medical researchers involved no ink, "so the tattoo left no permanent mark".
That’s all well and good, but if that’s the case, I think they need to come up with a better term for the medical procedure. Something other than "tattooing".
Bush at CPAC
Love the writing in this column.
ALSO: But for the swearing, this could very well be a phone coverversation between me and my Mom.
Hog Brain Disease
For most of us, we don’t have to worry about contracting this stange paralysis-related illness which has yet to be named.
But for workers who suck the brains out of dead pigs in a Minnesota Hormel plant, it’s a big concern.
In any event, what’s been happening in Austin, Minnesota makes for an interesting and still-to-be-solved medical mystery story. Kind of like "Fargo" meets "Outbreak".
Will O’Reilly Live Up To His Promises?
From a January 30 broadcast of The O’Reilly Factor:
O’REILLY: Continuing now with "Campaign ’08." Earlier today, John Edwards dropped out of the race, as we said, but he’s still on bridge patrol.
EDWARDS : I want to say to everyone here, on the way here today, we passed under a bridge that carried the interstate where 100 to 200 homeless Americans sleep every night.
O’REILLY: Now, we called the Edwards campaign and asked where exactly is that bridge so we could help those people. Apparently, they don’t know or they wouldn’t tell us. The Edwards campaign can’t pinpoint the bridge. And John Edwards apparently is not involved in a rescue mission. I know you’re shocked.
[…]O’REILLY: Joining us now from Washington with analysis, Fox News guy Juan Williams and Hillary supporter Kiki McLean. All right, we’ll get to Edwards in a minute. The guy — you got to, Kiki, you got to call him and tell him to knock it off with the bridges. He’s obsessed with the bridges.
McLEAN: Listen, listen —
O’REILLY: Just tell me where the bridge is. We will help those people. They can’t tell me. OK.
McLEAN: You know what? You know what? Whether it’s that specific bridge or somewhere else in America, he’s right. There are people who are sleeping under a bridge without a roof over their head. And that’s the point.
O’REILLY: OK, Kiki, all you need to do is tell me where the bridge is, Juan and I will go out there and we’ll help those folks. OK?
From TellMeWhereThe BridgeIs.Com:
They’ve even provided a map to help Bill O. It’s right in New Orleans, where Edwards was talking about.
Education: A Local Matter?
Can someone justify to me why a child growing up in Tennessee should get half as much public money going toward his education than a child growing up in Massachusetts?
P.S. I would love to see this map placed side-by-side with other multi-color maps showing, oh the teenage birth rate, believe in evolution, etc.
Two Days, Two Points Of View
President Bush, yesterday, to the Conservative Political Action Conference, criticizing Democrats:
“They tend to think Washington has the answers to our problems…”
President Bush, today, on tornado damage:
"People have got to understand here in the region that a lot of folks around America care for them. And I’m here to listen, to determine — to make sure that the federal response is compassionate and effective. I don’t want people to think something is going to happen that’s not going to happen. And therefore when we say something is going to happen to help them get their feet back on the ground, it will happen."
One wonders what would happen if Bush delivered his "Washington shouldn’t help" rhetoric to the people of the devestated tornado regions in the South.
But it always amazes me how we can elect people who are hostile to government to actually RUN the biggest government in the world. It’s kind of like putting Ralph Nader at the head of General Motors. And then complaining about the results.
