A Vacation Planet

Ken AshfordScience & TechnologyLeave a Comment

Ahhhh!  Home away from home.  For the first time, they’ve discovered a planet which is like Earth in atmosphere.  They think it has water, and may support life.  Its temperatures range from 32 degrees to 102 degrees.  And it’s 1.5 times larger than our Earth.

A few downsides — the year there is only 14 days.

Since we’ve all but broken this planet, maybe it’s time to think about moving.  We better get started.  Its 120,000,000,000,000 miles away (even at the speed of light, it’ll take us 20 years to get there).

The planet, by the way, has the name 581-c.  I think we need a name change.

Dumb Quote Of The Day

Ken AshfordIraqLeave a Comment

Laura Bush On Iraq:

"No one suffers more than their President and I do."

I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that over 3,000 famlies who lost loved ones in Iraq are suffering more than President Bush and Laura.  As well as the families of the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis.  And the wounded soldiers getting shitty treatment at Walter Reed.  And…  and….

Quote Of The Day

Ken AshfordIraqLeave a Comment

Jon Stewart last night:

Basically, first-term president Bush, you invaded to remove the threat of Saddam Hussein. And you, current president Bush, are there to battle the threat created by the lack of Saddam Hussein.

It’s funny because it’s true.

Investigation Launched Into Rove

Ken AshfordBush & Co.Leave a Comment

About time:

The Office of Special Counsel is preparing to jump into one of the most sensitive and potentially explosive issues in Washington, launching a broad investigation into key elements of the White House political operations that for more than seven years have been headed by chief strategist Karl Rove.

The new investigation, which will examine the firing of at least one U.S. attorney, missing White House e-mails, and White House efforts to keep presidential appointees attuned to Republican political priorities, could create a substantial new problem for the Bush White House.

…."We will take the evidence where it leads us," Scott J. Bloch, head of the Office of Special Counsel and a presidential appointee, said in an interview Monday. "We will not leave any stone unturned."

Bush supporters cannot wail and cry about this being a Democrat witchhunt.  This is not a (Democratic-controlled) investigation — this is straight from an agency of government within Bush’s own branch.

David Halberstam, R.I.P.

Ken AshfordIn PassingLeave a Comment

The man who first recognized Vietnam as a "quagmire" — years ahead of his fellow journalists and the rest of the country — was killed in a car accident yesterday.

A prescient, smart man — he is a voice that should always have been listened to.  Here, for example, are his comments just 3 days after 9/11:

We are in some ways a much easier target for them, despite our wealth, than they are for us. And that’s a very hard thing for a rich, developed superpower to understand — that our very strength makes us vulnerable. Our strength makes us a target, and it’s hard to respond. There’s a danger that if we use our power carelessly, if we just bomb away, then we’re doing their recruiting and passing the burden on to our children. One of the things that was much more done in the French-Indochina War: a French patrol would go through a village where many of the people were on the fence in the struggle. A Viet Minh solder would kill one French soldier. The French would then open up on the entire village, killing all kinds of people. The French would then leave the village that night, at 6 o’clock, and at 7 o’clock the Viet Minh would arrive to recruit the children of those who had been killed. That’s something we need to be very aware of: to apply power not just with strength, but with wisdom. And we need to be very careful about that.

Nailed it.  He will be missed.

Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From Alyssa Milano

Ken AshfordWomen's Issues1 Comment

Alyssa20milanoThank you, Alyssa.  Thank you for telling me ten things I don’t know about women.  Thank you for reducing your gender into broad overgeneralized stereotypes (and thank you, by the way, for giving me an excuse to post some photos of you):

1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

So…. women have multiple personalities, and they give names to each personality?  This is a serious mental health problem, Alyssa, and I think you need to discuss it with someone.

2. Women produce half the world’s food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we’re fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

In other words, when I pick up the tab, I’m settling a debt.  Which means, I shouldn’t expect sex.  I’m curious though — how much food have you — you yourself produced?  Aren’t you just riding on the coattails of your sisters?

3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

We know you like porn.  We hide it so you won’t steal it.

4. Women remember everything . Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won’t tell you it was at a party. She’ll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy’s pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what’s up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

Sorry, Alyssa.  Women don’t remember everything.  They remember what matters to them.  Just as men remember what matters to them (i.e., the line-up of the 1967 Red Sox). 

5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

While I agree with wholeheartedly that an eyelash curler is not a weapon, what the hell does this have to do with "Ten Things You Don’t Know About Women"?  Do women think it is a weapon?  Does anybody?  Why are you dispelling a myth that nobody believes?

6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany’s, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn’t count.)

AlyssabbYes.  I’m sure men are not aware of PMS.  Thank you for enlightening us.

7. We think it’s weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

Oh, now come on.  You’re just trying to regain your feminine creds here, Alyssa.  But we all know that you have a blog devoted entirely to baseball, so stop pretending.  You think we just fell off the turnip truck?

8. "Hey, Melissa, who’s the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where’d you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.

Okay.  The title of this article is "Ten Things You Don’t Know About Women".  Not "Ten Things You Don’t Know About Alyssa".  I assure you, Alyssa, that when I pick up women, I do not — and would not — use pickup lines that refer to your career.  I’m not that stupid.

And by the way, what’s this obsession with Brian Dennehy’s girth?  Leave the man alone, will ya?

9. Women hear better than men. That’s before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I’m sure I’ve lost you by now.

Women have better hearing at frequencies above 2000Hz.  Which means you are better at conversing with dolphins (or Darryl Hannah impersonating a dolphin).  And sometimes, we wish you would and let us concentrate on the ballgame.

10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You’re welcome.

You forgot to mention the dishwasher, ironing board, and rolling pin.  Seriously.

And here’s some things invented by men: cars, books, television, phones, computers, feminine hygiene products, eyelash curlers and — oh yeah — Western civilization.  You’re welcome.  I think, considering all we’ve given you, you should pick up the tab when we take you out to dinner.  But we’ll accept sex instead.

No Chocolate? Jesus!

Ken AshfordCorporate GreedLeave a Comment

Charlie_chocolate_posterThis is something that even non-political people can get behind.

The FDA wants to take away your chocolate.

That’s right.  Pending right now is a "citizen’s petition" which would allow chocolate manufacturers (Hershey’s etc.) to use vegatable fats instead of cocoa butter, and still call the result "chocolate".  Of course, the "citizens" who submitted this petition are the Chocolate Manufacturers Assn., the Grocery Manufacturers Assn., the Snack Food Assn., and several other big producers.

If the FDA approves, that means that your favorite chocolate bar, ice cream, fondue, whatever — will not necessarily contain actual cocoa (the raw ingredient of chocolate).

Cybele May, who writes a candy blog, explains:

This is what they think of us chocolate eaters, according to their petition on file at the FDA:

"Consumer expectations still define the basic nature of a food. There are, however, no generally held consumer expectations today concerning the precise technical elements by which commonly recognized, standardized foods are produced. Consumers, therefore, are not likely to have formed expectations as to production methods, aging time or specific ingredients used for technical improvements, including manufacturing efficiencies."

Let me translate: "Consumers won’t know the difference."

She goes on to argue that consumers do know the difference.  They can tell the difference between "chocolate-flavored" candy (like those waxy "chocolate" rabbits we get at Easter), and actual chocolate candy.  She notes that:

Nine of the 10 bestselling U.S. chocolate candies are made with the real stuff. M&Ms, Hershey Bars, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups — all real chocolate. Butterfinger is the outlier.

Fortunately, you can fight back.  Send a comment to the FDA, through this website (just follow the "How To Help" links).

Encyclopedia Brown And The Case Of The Missing Bees

Ken AshfordEnvironment & Global Warming & EnergyLeave a Comment

This actually troubles me:

vanish without a trace.

Billions of bees have done just that, leaving the crop fields they are supposed to pollinate, and scientists are mystified about why.

The phenomenon was first noticed late last year in the United States, where honeybees are used to pollinate $15 billion worth of fruits, nuts and other crops annually. Disappearing bees have also been reported in Europe and Brazil.

Commercial beekeepers would set their bees near a crop field as usual and come back in two or three weeks to find the hives bereft of foraging worker bees, with only the queen and the immature insects remaining. Whatever worker bees survived were often too weak to perform their tasks.

If the bees were dying of pesticide poisoning or freezing, their bodies would be expected to lie around the hive. And if they were absconding because of some threat — which they have been known to do — they wouldn’t leave without the queen.

Since about one-third of the U.S. diet depends on pollination and most of that is performed by honeybees, this constitutes a serious problem, according to Jeff Pettis of the U.S. Agricultural Research Service.

Maybe they were raptured?

Seriously, nobody like bees (they, you know, sting), but they are a vital part of the food chain, on top of which we sit.  If bees don’t pollenate the crops, the crops don’t grow.  If they don’t grow, we don’t eat (and the animals that we eat, don’t eat).  That can’t be good.

Sheryl Crow Has Cooties, Apparently

Ken AshfordBush & Co., Environment & Global Warming & EnergyLeave a Comment

How Laurie David tells it:

In his attempt to dismiss us, Mr. Rove turned to head toward his table, but as soon as he did so, Sheryl reached out to touch his arm. Karl swung around and spat, "Don’t touch me." How hardened and removed from reality must a person be to refuse to be touched by Sheryl Crow? Unfazed, Sheryl abruptly responded, "You can’t speak to us like that, you work for us." Karl then quipped, "I don’t work for you, I work for the American people." To which Sheryl promptly reminded him, "We are the American people."

At that point Mr. Rove apparently decided he had had enough. Like a groundhog fearful of his own shadow, he scurried to his table in an attempt to hibernate for another year from his responsibility to address global warming. Drama aside, you would expect as an American citizen to be able to engage in a civil discussion with a public official. Instead, Mr. Rove was dismissive, condescending, and quite frankly a bully.

Jesus’ General has more on Sheryl Crow’s cooties.

“Find Out What You’re Going To See Before You See It!”

Ken AshfordPopular CultureLeave a Comment

At the American Reperatory Theatre in Cambridge (Massachusetts — one of the country’s top rep theaters), Mike Daisey’s one-man show/monologue, "Invincible Summer", is getting rave reviews:

Even more than most theater artists, Mike Daisey must always rely on the kindness of strangers — or, more precisely, on their intelligence, alertness, and sense of humor. He depends on his audience because he performs his monologue differently every night, weaving and cutting and pacing its interconnected stories according to how each audience responds.

The "invincible summer" referred to in the title is the summer of 2001, in the innocent days before 9/11.  It’s much more than a 9/11 story however, and it touches upon such diverse topics as "weddings, writer’s block, the history of the New York subway system, borscht …"

Last Thursday evening, Daisey was performing his show to a sell-out audience, when all of a sudden, 87 of them stood up en masse, and walked out.  One of the audience members approached Daisey’s desk, and poured water on his outline.

And cameras were there to record it:

Turns out, the 87 people were members of a Christian group, who were offended by a certain four-letter word Daisey used.

Naturally, this stops the show, but Daisey handles it well.  He implores them to engage in a dialogue, but they simply refuse. 

Best part: when Daisey shouts to them: "In the future, find out what you’re going to see before you see it!"

So true.

Planned?  Perhaps.  Then again, Daisey discusses the walkout on his blog, and notes that a couple members of the group apologized as they left, so maybe it wasn’t planned.

Playbill covers it as well.  And props to The News Blog, which offers this question:

However, I can’t help but wonder what the result would be if 80 performance artists all attended a Church service, and got up in the middle of Mass and destroyed the alter as a sort of performance art.

Excellent question.  No doubt, it would make the evening news, with Falwell and Robertson and others decrying "foul".

The Blame Game [UPDATE]

Ken AshfordCrimeLeave a Comment

From Cynical-C Blog — this has to be the compelte list:

It’s the fault of violent video games.

It’s the fault of movies.

It’s that no other students were armed.

It’s the cowardly students who didn’t rush the shooter.

It’s the first victim’s fault.

It’s secularism’s fault.

It’s the Muslims’ and/or foreigners’ fault.

It’s the Atheists’ fault.

It’s the fault of the colleges and how they coddle their students.

It’s society’s fault.

It’s the Second Amendment’s fault.

It’s the bureaucracy’s fault.

It’s the fault of Roanoke Firearms, where he bought the gun.

It’s the authorities’ fault.

It’s the Liberals’ fault.

It’s pedophilia, homosexual couplings and adulterous behavior’s fault. (Not sure if he means all at the same time or separately.

It’s capitalism’s fault.

It’s the fault of psychiatric drugs.

It’s the Devil’s fault.

It’s South Korea’s fault.

It’s the hippies’ fault. (Nobody’s blaming the Yippies yet)

It’s the media and culture’s fault.

It’s the murderer’s fault.

It’s the legal system’s fault.

It’s the fault of the Virginia Tech officials.

It’s the fault of the Chinese.

It’s the fault of this blogger who happens to be asian, likes guns and who recently broke up with his girlfriend.

It’s Simon Cowell’s fault.

It’s Bill Gates’ fault.

It’s the fault of trauma induced mind control by a military industrial complex.

It’s the killer’s parents’ and/or gun makers’ fault.

It’s the fault that colleges have co-ed dorms and/or students who major in English.

It’s a lack of funding for mental health services’ fault.

It’s the GOP’s fault.

It’s the Democrats’ fault.

It’s NBC’s fault.

It’s Autism’s fault.

It’s al Jazeera or Palestinian TV’s fault.

It’s the fault of pro-choice doctors.

It’s Collective Soul’s fault.

It’s the fault of professors who survived the Holocaust and are not armed to the teeth.

It’s Markos from the Daily Kos’ fault.

It’s the bullies’ fault.

It’s the Nanjing Anti-African riots’ fault and/or the fault of those in interracial relationships.

It’s the fault of our culture’s all-consuming desire for celebrity.

It’s fault of the Europeanization or nannyization of American behavior.

It’s Charlton Heston’s fault.

It’s the fault of immigration and/or asians.

It’s evil’s fault.

It’s W’s fault.

It’s the fault of vaccines.

It’s the fault that schools teach that the theory of evolution is fact.

It’s the fault of the CIA for training the killer as a mind-controlled assassin.

It’s the fault of stage weapons used in school plays.

It’s the fault of the classes where Cho was taught to hate.

It’s the school’s architecture’s fault.

RELATED:  Those screwballs at the American Family Association are taking advantage of the Virginia Tech trageedy to peddle a video explaining that the shootings wouldn’t happen if (among other things) teachers were allowed to spank students.

Yeah, whatever.

Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam

Ken AshfordRed Sox & Other SportsLeave a Comment

Very sweeeeeeeet game last night.  It wasn’t just the fact that they his four homers in a row (7th time that’s happened in the history of baseball) — it was that 3 of them still haven’t come down yet.  Lowell racked up two round-trippers (he’s only has one home run this season so up until last night).

Add to that: it was a sweep of the Yankees (first time in 17 years), and it ended with Palpelbon (love that guy) striking out Rodriguez.

I like this year.  I have a good feeling…..

Spiderman: The Broadway Musical

Ken AshfordPopular CultureLeave a Comment

With music and lyrics by Bono and U2.

I wish I was kidding.

My spidey sense tells me
That something is amiss
I long for your touch
I long for your kiss
‘Cause I have youuuuu
Caught in the web of my heaaaaart
And the world around me grows darker
Who am I – just Peter Parker?
Oh, I don’t knooooooooow
On Sundaaaay, bloody, Sundaaaay
One more in the name of love….