If Bush Played “Deal Or No Deal”

Ken AshfordIraqLeave a Comment

From Bill in Portland Maine:

Howie: Mr. President, you have picked every case in numerical order from one through 23. Each successive case you chose contained the highest dollar amount on the board. And every time the banker offered you a deal you shouted…
Bush: No deal! Stay the course! HehHehHeh!
Howie: So now we’re down to three cases. The one dollar case, the five dollar case, and the ten dollar case. If you like, you can talk over your next choice with the Iraq Study Group…
Iraq Study Group: Mr. President, we think that the situation is dire and we…
Bush: Hey, I’m the decider, not you! And what I decide is I want lucky number 24!
Howie: Condi…open the case.
Condi: I hope it’s a million dollars for my husb…er, the president!

[Zzzzzing!]

Howie: Oh, what a surprise. You picked the ten dollar case.
Bush: Hell yeah! Did I win a million dollars?
Howie: No. You really should’ve done some planning before you came on the show…

[Brrreep! Brrreep!]

Howie: Hello banker. Yes. Yes. No, I can’t say that to his face, he’s the president. Okay. Mr. President, the banker is offering you a deal: three dollars and 12 cents.
Bush: Whaddya think, Dick?
Cheney: Well, uh, I think, uh, the banker’s in his last throes, if you will.
Bush: Rummy?
Rumsfeld: Gosh, I still think the million dollars will be located. It’s in Burbank and parts north, east, south and west somewhat.
Bush: We will not cut and run until the mission is accomplished. No deal, Kojak!
Howie: Unbelievable. Okay, the last case on the stage is number 25. Karen Hughes…open the damn thing.

[Zzzzzing!]

Howie: There it is—five dollars. That means your case, Mr. President, contains the sum of…one dollar.
Bush: I win! Get my flight suit…it’s time to party!

Say That Again?

Ken AshfordSex/Morality/Family ValuesLeave a Comment

This will tell you everything you need to know about the the way some Christian conservatives think:

Carrie Gordon Earll, a policy analyst for the conservative Christian ministry Focus on the Family, expressed empathy for the Cheney family but depicted the newly announced pregnancy as unwise.

"Just because you can conceive a child outside a one-woman, one-man marriage doesn’t mean it’s a good idea," said. "Love can’t replace a mother and a father."

Think about that for a minute. In the eyes of these people, a dysfunctional, even abusive, heterosexual marriage where both parents hate each other and beat their kids is preferable to a home with two same-sex parents who love each other and their child.

Questions, Questions, Questions

Ken AshfordIraq, Right Wing Punditry/IdiocyLeave a Comment

Bill Bennett reads the Iraq Study Group Report and feels that the commissioners of the group are "smug, arrogant, insufferable", presumably because they didn’t give a wholehearted endorsement to everything happening in Iraq.

In the midst of his rant, the smug, arrogant and insufferable Bill Bennett poses the following question:

Who are these commissioners and what is their expertise in Iraq — or even foreign policy?

Well, asshole, James Baker was Secretary of State under Bush 41 at the time of the Gulf War.  Can we start there?

Lee Hamilton was chairman and ranking member of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs (now the Committee on International Relations) and chaired the Subcommittee on Europe and the Middle East from the early 1970s until 1993.

And you have another former Secretary of State and a former Secretary of Defense in the group.

Bennett, of course, has no foreign policy experience.

But since he made experience an issue, let me ask him this:

What is President Bush’s experience in foreign policy or as Commander-in Chief?

Just wondering…

My Self-Imposed Moratorium On Making Fun Of Nathan Tabor

Ken AshfordRight Wing Punditry/IdiocyLeave a Comment

Regular readers of this blog know that sometimes (in fact, quite often) I take conservative columnists to task.  I have three "favorites": Marie Jon’, Kaye Grogan, and Nathan Tabor.

I want to talk about the third one — Nathan Tabor, a nationally syndicated columnist, recent author, and proprietor of the site Theconservativevoice.com.

Now, for those of you who don’t know Nathan, he’s a self-avowed Christian conservative.  In the past, he has advocated outlawing adultery; he has blamed abortion as the cause of illegal immigration; he has attacked Abe Lincoln and Lyndon Johnson while standing up for segregationists; and he has blamed human trafficking on pornography.

According to his own bio:

Dr. Jerry Falwell dubbed him the "young Jesse Helms"

which tells you all you need to know about the guy.

In the past, I’ve had my share of fun poking at Nathan.  I made fun of his failed State Senate campaign here and here; I laughed at his homophobia here and here; I rolled my eyes at his false patriotism, xenophonia, and sycophantic Bush-idolization here, here, and here; I lampooned his anti-feminist views here, and satired his opposition to birth control here, here, here, and here.

I’ve called him a hypocrite, a goon, "mind-boggling stupid", and — most recently — insane.

And that’s just this year alone.

So as someone who likes to write political snark, Nathan Tabor has been berry berry good to me.

Well, the fates have it in for me.

I am on the playreading committee of the Kernersville (N.C.) Little Theater — a small group of five or six people who read plays and make recommendations as to what the Kernersville Little Theater should perform for its upcoming season.

Well, guess who just joined the committee?

Yup.  Nathan.

Now, I flatter myself to think that he reads my blog, or cares what I think.  He’s received far more brutal criticism than anything I’ve ever meted out.  Still, I don’t think it behooves me to continue with my anti-Tabor jokes while I have to work with him.

And who knows?  The private Nathan may defy the stereotype which he publicly evokes*.  And perhaps he might learn a thing or two about "liberals" (i.e., we don’t get our marching orders from Michael Moore and Al Franken).  I, for one, intend to keep an open mind.

But, man, if he insists on doing The Sound Of Music, it’s ON between us.

In all seriousness, I look forward to working with you, Nathan.  But I hope you never read this blog.

* If his column today is any indication, he seems to have his head in the right place when it comes to environmental issues, but little else.

Congress To Work Five Days A Week

Ken AshfordCongressLeave a Comment

Yup.  Democrats think that our elected representatives should work harder, and that has some Republicans throwing a fit:

Rep. Steny H. Hoyer, the Maryland Democrat who will become House majority leader and is writing the schedule for the next Congress, said members should expect longer hours than the brief week they have grown accustomed to […]

"Keeping us up here eats away at families," said Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Ga.), who typically flies home on Thursdays and returns to Washington on Tuesdays. "Marriages suffer. The Democrats could care less about families — that’s what this says."

Right now, our congressmen and congresswomen work three-day weeks.  if Rep. Kingston is so concerned about "families", then why doesn’t he sponsor a bill making everybody in the country have three-day work weeks?

And by the way, Representative Kingston, there are other people who perform services to their country, who are taken away from their families for months at a time, and redeployed over and over again.

This is why the GOP lost the last election — their elected representatives feel they entitled to special considerations.

The ISG Report

Ken AshfordIraqLeave a Comment

Isg_report_coverIt came out today, and everyone with more time on their hands than me at the moment is writing about it.  As expected, it contains no "silver bullet" for fixing the Iraq Mess, but it is (from what I understand) pretty candid that things are NOT going swimmingly (which everyone seems to already know, save the occupants of the White House).

Think Progress hits some highlights:

The Iraq Study Group report is 125 pages long and contains 79 recommendations. Some key points:

RECOMMENDATION 22: The President should state that the United States does not seek permanent military bases in Iraq. If the Iraqi government were to request a temporary base or bases, then the U.S. government could consider that request as it would in the case of any other government.

RECOMMENDATION 35: The United States must make active efforts to engage all parties in Iraq, with the exception of al Qaeda. The United States must find a way to talk to Grand Ayatollah Sistani, Moqtada al-Sadr, and militia and insur-
gent leaders.

RECOMMENDATION 40: The United States should not make an open-ended commitment to keep large numbers of American troops deployed in Iraq.

RECOMMENDATION 41: The United States must make it clear to the Iraqi government that the United States could carry out its plans, including planned redeployments, even if Iraq does not implement its planned changes. America’s
other security needs and the future of our military cannot be made hostage to the actions or inactions of the Iraqi government.

RECOMMENDATION 64: U.S. economic assistance should be increased to a level of $5 billion per year rather than being permitted to decline. The President needs to ask for the necessary resources and must work hard to win the support of Congress. Capacity building and job creation, including reliance on the Commander’s Emergency Response Program, should be U.S. priorities. Economic assistance should be provided on a nonsectarian basis.

RECOMMENDATION 72: Costs for the war in Iraq should be included in the President’s annual budget request, starting in FY 2008: the war is in its fourth year, and the normal budget process should not be circumvented. Funding requests for the war in Iraq should be presented clearly to Congress and the American people. Congress must carry out its constitutional responsibility to review budget requests for the war in Iraq carefully and to conduct oversight.

The Vice-President’s Grandchild Has Two Mommies

Ken AshfordGodstuff, Women's IssuesLeave a Comment

Congratulations to Mary Cheney, daughter of the vice-president, and her partner of 15 years, Heather Poe.  It turns out that Mary is pregnant.

I don’t understand how one of two women (who aren’t married to each other because women can’t marry women) can manage to get pregnant, so I went to the world’s most reliable source about, well, everything — Agapepress.org, the Christian News Service.  Regrettably, they haven’t reported on the event, or told me what to think about it yet.

UPDATE:  Obviously, I wrote the above with my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek.  But some Christian conservatives are asking the same questions.  Enter Townhall columnist and radio talk show host Kevin McCullough:

According to Fox News Mary Cheney, the 37 year old daughter of Vice President Cheney is pregnant. She and the woman she lives with and engages in sexual behavior with – Heather Poe – are ecstatic at the news.

This development prompted some important questions…

1. How did the exclusive sexual union of these two women bring about this conception?

Well, obviously, Kevin, the "sexual union" involved a dude (although I doubted that he physically participated).  Duh.

2. What does it mean, from a biological nature to realize that a man WAS in fact necessary for this conception to take place?

It means nothing.  We’ve always known that for procreation to take place, male sperm is necessary.  This is not, and never has been, a point of controversy.

3. What does it mean to the supposed "intimacy" that "two people share" which was intended by the Creator to be a function that creates life, to be forced to include a third party?

Wow.  How loaded can a question get?

Well, it could "mean" any number of things, Kevin.  It could mean that your infallible Creator ain’t so infallible after all, seeing as how he made Mary Cheney and her partner who they are.  Or it could mean that the Creator didn’t intend intimacy JUST to be a procreational event.  Or perhaps it means that the Creator didn’t intend intimacy to necessarily include just two people.  Or perhaps it means that there is no Creator at all.

4. Doesn’t it make a rather strong statement that biologically speaking, the sexual union these two women share – is in fact, scientifically speaking – inadequate?

No.  Procreationally speaking, the sexual union of these two women is "inadequate", but not biologically speaking.  For whatever reason, these women (apparently) take physical pleasure in each other, triggering off biological activity within themselves, including the release of hormones and activity in the pleasure center of the brain.  So biologically — for them at least — their sexual union is "adequate".

5. Is it healthy for a society to celebrate inadequate sexual unions that lead to everything except what it was designed to be?

Well, I don’t think we should declare a national holiday, if that’s what you mean.

But certainly, couples (including hetero couples) engage in "sexual unions" when the female is well past child-bearing years.  This is both healthy and desireable.  The notion that sexual unions were designed ONLY for procreation is simply wrong — morally and biologically.

I hasten to add that if the Creator designed us to have sex only for the purposes of making babies, he would be opposed to marriages (and sexual unions) by heterosexual couples beyond their child-bearing years, as well as marriages/sexual unions to and by women who are infertile.  According to your way of thinking, Kevin, infertile women of any age or orientation should not be allowed to have sex — ever.  That’s pretty fucked up.

6. Knowing from scientific data that children excel best when given the full and natural parental structure of one mother and one father, is it moral to bring a child into such a scenario – purposefully, simply to stroke one’s own desire to have a child – sort of like a new handbag, or pair of shoes?

I don’t quite claim to know why Mary and her partner desired to have a child, but what is the basis that it is any different for them than it is for any heterosexual couple?  LOTS of straight couples (too many, if you ask me) have the desire to have a child "sort of like a new handbag, or pair of shoes".

I won’t go in to the so-called "scientific data", except to say that a conclusion that the one mother-one father structure is "best" is overly-simplistic.  The presence of two parents (or parental figures) is important, but there’s nothing suggesting that it has to be the biological mother and the biological father, nor necessarily a woman and a man.  Even still, the impact of that single factor is often overshadowed by other factors, like income levels and education of the parent(s).

Okay, I lied — here’s some scientific studies:

  • As of 1990, 6 million to 14 million children in the United States were living with a gay or lesbian parent. (National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, a service of the U.S. Administration for Children and Families.)
  • There is absolutely no evidence that children are psychologically or physically harmed in any way by having LGBT parents. There is, however, much evidence that shows that they are not.
  • People with LGBT parents have the same incidence of homosexuality as the general population, about 10%. No research has ever shown that LGBT parents have any affect on the sexuality of their children. (Patterson, Charlotte J. 1992)
  • Research claims that children with LGBT parents are exposed to more people of the opposite sex than many kids of straight parents. (Rofes, E.E., 1983, Herdt, 1989)
  • Studies have shown that people with LGBT parents are more open-minded about a wide variety of things than people with straight parents. (Harris and Turner, 1985/86)
  • Daughters of lesbians have higher self-esteem than daughters of straight women. Sons are more caring and less aggressive. (Hoeffer, 1981)
  • On measures of psychosocial well-being, school functioning, and romantic relationships and behaviors, teens with same-sex parents are as well adjusted as their peers with opposite-sex parents. A more important predictor of teens’ psychological and social adjustment is the quality of the relationships they have with their parents. (National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, 2004)
  • Most "problems" that kids of LGBT parents face actually stem from the challenges of dealing with divorce and the homophobia and transphobia in society rather then the sexual orientation or gender identity of their parents.
  • The War On Christmas: A Report From The Front Lines

    Ken AshfordGodstuff1 Comment

    Waronchristmascard1Call me a chickenhawk, but I’m not fighting the War on Christmas(tm) much this year.  But I’m happy to provide a front-line report from one of the soldiers on the front lines:

    I don’t know about you, but I had a hard day warring on Christmas today. First, I visited a lady with cancer who is currently undergoing chemo, and made arrangements to take her to the nursing home tomorrow to see her husband who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. We laughed together over her new hairstyle, I commiserated with her over her nausea and weakness, and we talked hopefully about better times in the future.  She thanked me for the visit and for the little Santa teddy bear I had got her from the Dollar Store. Then I punched her in the gut because she didn’t wish me a “Merry Christmas.”

    Next, I went to Sam’s Club and bought a large bag of Meow Mix for Shirley’s cats.  Shirley, who lives across the street from my parents, is on welfare and has been having some serious health problems for a while.  Her cats, which live outside and prowl the neighborhood, have been looking kinda thin and raggedy lately.  So, to make me feel better, I spent $9 to buy them some food.

    After ringing up my purchase and taking my money, the cashier smiled and thanked me for shopping there — but she didn’t wish me a “Merry Christmas,” so I slapped her.

    After exiting the store, I gave a few bucks to the college students who were there collecting for the community food bank. They didn’t wish me a “Merry Christmas” either, so I decked them.

    Then I went to Shirley’s house, put out food for the cats, and visited with Shirley for a few minutes. She was clearly touched that somebody cared about her and her cats, and thanked my several times for the cat food – but she didn’t wish me a “Merry Christmas, so I broke her thumbs.

    On the way home, I stopped to see drop off some cookies I had bought for my neighbor Linda at the new Mexican bakery in town (of course, nobody THERE said “Merry Christmas” to me, so I was forced to torch their business). Linda has lost control of much of her body due to the ravages of MS, and finds it hard to speak. She did manage to tell me a little about her black cat, to tell me about what she was watching on TV (”Little House on the Prairie”), and to thank me for the cookies, but … well, you can guess the rest.

    Moo With Me

    Ken AshfordScience & TechnologyLeave a Comment

    Cow_moonNASA plans permanent moon base:

    NASA announced plans Monday to begin building a permanent base on the moon by 2024, four years after the space agency starts sending crews of four astronauts there for weeklong exploratory missions.

    The base would probably be located near the lunar south pole and be staffed by rotating teams of international astronauts for up to six months at a time, according to NASA officials.

    The teams will be equipped for extended travel across the cratered lunar surface and will start preparing the base as a way station for an eventual human mission to Mars, the officials said.

    No price tag has yet been set for the lunar venture, but the space agency’s lunar exploration chief conceded that participation by other space-faring nations as well as U.S. industries will be critical for success of the costly, risky and technically demanding effort.

    Deputy NASA Administrator Shana Dale, who led a news briefing at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, said the agency will send a series of manned spacecraft starting in 2014 to orbit both polar regions of the moon and scout out possible landing sites in search of evidence of natural resources and potential hazards to exploring lunar vehicles.

    The first astronaut teams, she said, would land in 2020 — as President Bush has proclaimed — and start building the permanent base from which the international teams could explore the lunar surface for miles around aboard mobile solar-powered craft in preparation for the Mars mission Bush has also envisioned. No target date has been set for any human mission to Mars, where the robot spacecraft Opportunity and Spirit are still exploring the surface nearly four years after they landed there on what was scheduled as a three-month mission.

    Hey, I like the 60’s as much as anybody, but (1) getting involved in a quagmire war where we shouldn’t be, and (2) missions to the moon?

    Been there, done that.

    Prager v. Ellison, Part Two

    Ken AshfordCongress, Constitution, Godstuff, Right Wing Punditry/IdiocyLeave a Comment

    Shorter Dennis Prager:

    You know this controversy that came at my suggestion that Rep. Keith Ellison (a Muslim) get sworn in to Congress by using the Bible rather than his holy book, the Kuran?  It would all go away if Rep. Ellison simply does what I suggested.

    Earlier posts: Dennis Prager: Clueless About America

    UPDATE:  World o’Crap provides another shorter Dennis Prager "response to my critics":

    “I never said that Keith Ellison should be legally forced to swear his oath of office on the Bible, I merely said that he, like all Americans, should pretend to be a Christian in public – you know, for tradition’s sake. Oh, and to all you stinky liberals who said bad things about me, the truth is that there is NO WAY that I could be bigoted against Muslims, because I am a JEW!”

    Reality Rears Its Head

    Ken AshfordIraqLeave a Comment

    Secretary of Defense nominee Gates, just a short while ago at his confirmation hearings, was asked if he thought we were winning in Iraq:

    "No, sir"

    Think Progress has the video, and they remind us:

    Just weeks ago, President Bush expressed the opposite position. From 10/25/06:

    REPORTER: Are we winning?

    PRESIDENT BUSH: Absolutely, we’re winning.